Baby garb can sometimes be cute and cheeky. Adorable, even. But most of the time? Most of the time the marketers of these products can be ridiculous, thoughtless, and/or insane.
Maybe it’s because I am deep in the forest of the newborn stage and my vision is clouded by lack of sleep and high irritability, but when it comes time to name products, these product makers COMPLETELY miss the mark.
Here are 5 examples of names for baby products that make me slightly stabby:
Boppy. Aw, what a cute word. Know what’s not cute? The beginning stages of learning to breast feed, which suddenly make every utterance of this word bring on a wave of anxiety and frustration. Seriously, every time you say that word I want to boppy you over the freaking head with the thing, so stop it.
Udder cover. Oh, yes! As if I don’t already feel like Bessie, someone up in marketing decided to try and make this into something cutesy! Let me clarify: there is nothing cutesy about insinuating to a new mom that she has udders. I hear that when you buy one of these things online and click ‘purchase’ at checkout, the audio confirmation is one giant “MOOOOOOOOOO.” (I can’t confirm, because I’m too terrified to do it.)
And, for the record, no one looks like this while wearing one of these. No one except for this chick, who is staring off into the distance, lost in her thoughts. And do you know what she’s thinking? She’s thinking that SHE FEELS LIKE A GODDAMN COW.
Nipple shields. I know that nipple shields are supposed to help, but they don’t look anything like I envision. In my world nipple shields should resemble bulletproof armor inspired by the Game of Thrones wardrobe team, because when that half child/half piranha comes at your poor areolas you are going to need more than a piece of plastic to save you. If they are going to be named “shields”, they may as well play the part.
Breast pump. Because as I extract milk from my breasts, I totally just want to think about Hans and Frans from SNL. Or have “Pump Up the Jam” play on an endless loop inside my head.
And last but not least…
The Clutch. Oh well now, isn’t this cheeky. It’s a dishwasher item to hold things like bottles and nipples, but it’s made to mimic the shape of a clutch purse – how cute! You know, like the one you’ll probably never see for the next three years? Yeah. That one. Here ya go, new moms! Trade in your evening bag for one that will encourage you to instead continuously load and unload the dishwasher! It’s so clever and adorable and doesn’t at all make you want to run into your closet and hide!
Your turn: what baby items make you stabby?