We’ve all been there as breast feeding moms: from time to time, you slip off the wagon. You kept squeaky clean throughout your pregnancy but after nine months of being good, you indulge. Whether it be a couple of glasses of wine on your first night out, too much coffee, or a little toke or two (for your glaucoma, of course!) you find yourself having to “pump and dump”.
You obviously are not going to feed the baby with that milk, but what if you didn’t dump it? What if your contaminated breast milk could talk? The hopped-up on caffeine bottle, the drunk off of Cabernet bottle, and the stoned bottle? I imagine this is the conversation that would take place between these three clowns:
This is Your Breast Milk on Drugs…Having a Conversation
Coffee: Is she going to DUMP US?!?
Pot: Dude, stop being paranoid. You’re freaking me out.
Cabernet: Scheriously, man, cschill.
Pot: Heyyyy. Look who woke up!
Cabernet: I was jussst resting my eyes. I’ve been dumped before (hiccup), butchaknow what?
(LONG PA– USE)
Coffee: Well, WHAT?!?
Cabernet: I’m such an aweschome dancer…
Coffee: Get it together: we need a plan or she’ll dump us! I mean, she CAN’T give us to the baby, right?! I don’t like babies…
Cabernet: Let’sch make a baby…
Coffee: Get off me!! Pot, any ideas?
Pot: Doesn’t it blow your mind, that like, we’re so different, yet we all came out of the same boob?
Coffee: There’s a right and a left! And if I came out of the right then you two CLEARLY came out of the left! Geez!
Cabernet: Cheese?! Yes pleasche!
Coffee: What the hell are you laughing at, Pot?
Pot: It’s just that…ok man, stay calm (tee hee). There’s a nipple on your head.
Coffee: Ugh! Focus! Any ideas?!
Pot: Here’s an idea…why is society like, afraid of nipples? Moms are supposed to cover up, but then like, these scientists and businessmen create this thing, that sits on top of a bottle, and it TOOOOOTALLY looks like a nipple anyway!
Coffee: Don’t get all philosophical on me now!
Cabernet: “Who’s Phyllis?? I’ll schlap that bitchhhh……
Pot: I mean, what’s wrong with actual nipples?
Cabernet: Wanna see my nipples? Weeeeeeeee!
Coffee: Oh forget it. If I could walk I would march to the sink and dump myself out.