If I’ve learned one thing during two pregnancies, it’s been to listen to my body. And one of the things it has expressed to me, loud and clear, is: “Don’t push me, bitch.”
I’ve also learned that she means business. So I don’t do things like stay out late at night, for obvious reasons (nothing looks right, you can’t drink, you’ll never make it past 9:30, people look at you like you are a circus animal…need I go on?).
But who needs to go out when your dreams are so damn entertaining?
During my last past pregnancy, I dreamed I was having a casual conversation with my friend Don. And as I was speaking, he started looking at me funny. “Hey – there’s something in your mouth.”
“Yeah, I see something in there – I think it’s a hand. Hang on…”
He then reached into my mouth, grabbed onto the hand that he saw, and pulled – and out came a FULL GROWN MEXICAN MAN, sombrero and all, playing mariachi music.
Don seemed completely unfazed by this and tried to continue our conversation over the music, but I was too busy focusing on why a mariachi band member was taking up residence in my uterus for 9 months without my knowledge??!? But then an intense feeling of relief washed over me, because I realized that the sombrero came out with ease and caused me absolutely no agita. I woke up and could not.stop.laughing.
And then there’s last night. Last night, I went to bed at 10 PM. But do you know what happened after that?
First, my friend Kim (also pregnant) and I were hired to do a performance for an opening night of a church. We had to tap dance together, only she wore the correct shoes (black) and I did not (bright red) so they stuck me in the far back, and the dance was so stupid and my shoes were so ridiculous that we laughed, and laughed, and laughed. The church doors opened to reveal a rehearsal for a wedding, where we were also expected to dance, and we ran away as fast as we could in our incredibly absurd shoes.
Next, Kim and I rented an apartment together, and after moving in she decided to adopt a pet lion. Why would she adopt a pet lion? “Why not?!” she asked, as she sat there petting her precious Federico, completely baffled that I would question her on this obviously sane decision.
The beast Federico wriggled out of its leash, but Kim showed no fear. She could not understand my concern either, because, “You like cats. And if you can have one, so can I.” (In case you’re wondering, Marcus did not make a debut in this dream, but I am imagine it was because he was busy expressing his emotions over Federico by peeing in a corner somewhere.)
These dreams are just a sampling of the many bizarre and completely vivid episodes I wake up from on a nightly basis. I don’t know if it is because sleep is constantly interrupted during pregnancy – you are woken up a lot because you can’t get comfortable, the baby is kicking your ribcage or tap-dancing on your bladder, you have to pee – but I’m guessing this all has something to do with it.
I can’t be alone here: I want to know your pregnancy dreams. Bizarre, hilarious, scary, just plain weird…hit me with them in the comments! And if you notice my baby comes out wearing a tiny sombrero and singing mariachi, well…we’ll all know that the “pregnancy intuition” thing is pretty spot-on, too.
I’ll end this post with a lovely soundtrack sent to me by my friend Joanna of Ramblin’ Mama blog, that she sent to me after hearing my ridiculous story. Because it’s only fitting. Enjoy.